Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Milk

It’s unbelievable how many people still believe that cow’s milk is good for them. Okay, it was pretty much ingrained in all of us from the age of 3, so I guess it’s not that hard to believe. Hell, about a year ago I still believed it. I was drinking 3 gallons of whole milk a week in my attempt to put on size and muscle. Turns out that 3 gallons a week was 3 gallons too many, and here’s why:

1. Milk ruins your digestion – Your body wasn’t made to process milk from another species. Period. Even if you think you don’t have any problems with milk, chances are you’ve just grown accustomed to the feeling of fullness or bloatedness that results from your body struggling to break that crap down into something it can use. Chances are also good that you are blaming problems caused by milk on some other factor, after all, you’ve been told your whole life that milk is awesome for you and will turn you into Superguy or Wonder Lady, so there’s no way that it could possibly be hurting you, right? Wrong. As one of my friends used to say, milk wants to “kick you out of your house and take away your birthday”. It’s terrible stuff, and the room that it is taking up in your stomach would be much better used for digesting real food that your body can actually use to build and grow.

2. Milk weakens your bones – If you had walked up to me a year ago and slapped my ice cold glass of milk out of my hand and told me it was bad for me, I would have punched you in your know-it-all, sacrilegious face…and shattered my wrist. You see, milk has calcium, but your body uses calcium to digest it. The net result is that it actually WEAKENS your bones. There are a whole bunch of studies that show this, but I’m too lazy to reference them, so just act like I’m on CNN and take my word for it. The gist of the science of why this happens is that milk is acidic and calcium neutralizes acids. Your body stores calcium in your bones, so when you drink milk your bones release their calcium to process it and prevent the acids from hitting your kidneys. This calcium is then lost through urination. The unscientific explanation is that milk is like that one annoying friend that you sometimes have to hang out with. His stories about how he had to walk four blocks from his mom’s house to catch a rare pokemon are so bad that you need to drink alcohol to survive the evening, but you drink too much and punch the waiter. Then the only person that will hang out with you is that annoying guy that plays Pokemon Go. That didn’t make any sense did it? Neither does drinking milk, so stop.

3. Milk makes you fat milkfatI’m not a nutritionist, but I believe the technical term for how much saturated fat is in whole milk is one metric “assload”.  For those of you who aren’t well versed in terms I made up, an assload is equivalent to roughly 20% of your daily value of saturated fat. That’s 20% per serving, so if you have 3 glasses of milk you just consumed 60% of your daily value. Now you add in your dinner of Cheetos and froYo and you’re already exceeding your daily value! And that’s not even taking into account the Spaghettios and fifth of Jagermeister you downed for lunch (probably not in that order)! As you can see, milk makes it nearly impossible to maintain a nutritious diet.  And yes, skim milk still sucks for you, so don’t comment about how awesome it is because it will make you shatter both femurs simultaneously playing hop-scotch, and it tastes awful.


(I can’t draw hop-scotch)

4. Almond milk is better – That’s right I said it. As a red-blooded American I used to be terrified of anything with the words “almond”, “soy”, or “vegan”, but I’ve been drinking this almond stuff, and I gotta tell ya… it ain’t bad. It mixes well with my bro-tein and you get over the chalky, not real milk taste pretty quickly. In a week or so you forget that you’re consuming plant stuff altogether. If not, you can just do what I do and pretend it’s the tears of hippies. Speaking of hippies, as I learned from my friends in Seattle, saying that you drink almond milk or Starbucks makes people think you are sophisticated. Admit it, if you made it past my Pokemon Go reference, you probably think I’m 10x classier after reading this section.

5. Milk makes you bad at basketball – I have absolutely no proof of this one, but I drank milk without fail every day of my life and I have always been terrible at basketball…and dancing. But I digress, look at all the stars. They don’t drink milk, they drink Gatorade. Gatorade has been scientifically proven to increase the amount of money you have if you drink it on camera. Can you say the same for milk? Doubt it. Cows are poor as hell. That’s why they sleep outside on the ground without an air mattress. Have you ever driven by a cow farm when it’s raining? Bet you the cows were out there being poor and getting rained on. But I digress, if you have aspirations of a pair of shoes being named after you, put down the milk and start watching “White Men Can’t Jump” like I did. The result? Well…i’ll just let this prototype I’ve been working on with Sketchers speak for itself (If you steal this from me I will sue you SO hard).




Images: Flickr

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